Monday, December 29, 2008

Crazy Dreams

I had this weird dream man. And you know how you like have a nightmare and it's so intense, even your leg tries to wake you up?

Your leg's like, "GET UP!"

Your leg kicks awake. And you wake up. This was the dream right. I was being chased by a giant crab. It's not funny. This huge like 50 foot crab.

He was chasing me down a beach and he was doing that crab run where he was like snapping at me with his little snappers. And he was after me all night long... he was trucking. He was doing like 100 miles an hour.

You know like when you're bring chased by a killer or a beast? In the dream they can run as fast as they want but you can't.... you're like "AH COME ON, I CAN'T MOVE!!"

But the crab is like eh... and his eyes were like shooting lighting out of its eyes and he was wearing little loafers or something. I dunno. Oh, my leg just went "GET UP!" And I woke up for like a second and then I went right back into the stupid dream. Which only happens with a nightmare.

If you're dreaming you're having a great time on a cruise, on vacation or whatever. You know how you like wake up and you pretend you're not awake? You try to trick yourself. Oh no! I'm not awake, I'm in Cancun! Nooooo!!!

But I fell back into the into the dream and the crab was like waiting for me. He was like UGH.... And I was like "NOT AGAIN!" All night long. And then I woke up and I called my buddy Mike. I had to tell somebody, he picks up the phone...

I'm like "Dude I had the weirdest dream last night."

And he goes all concerned, "What was you dream?"

I go,"I was being chased by a giant crab."

"What?! ... Dude, what?!" All the sudden he's like "Hold on!" and I hear like pages. *flip flip flip flip flip*

I go, "Dude what are you doing?"

"I have a dream book. I'm looking up crabs to see what they represent in my dream book. Dude, here it is... Crabs! Hold on Crabs. Uh crab....... um.... uh... it represents....... Dude.... you're gay......."

"That's why you were running away... cuz a crab represents sexuality cuz it doesnt know which way its going, and that's why you ran away. You were running away from your gayness!"

I said, "What about the lightning?"

"Uh... emphasizes the gay! That's what it says. If there's lighting around the crab, you're super gay. That's what it says right here. Super gay.

He wasn't wearing loafers was he? OH NO! Cuz that would mean you were mega ultra gay like a super hero gay!"

I don't think his dream book is very accurate.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I don't ask for directions, I explore.

The GPS system was invented by a man. Not just a man.... but a married man. A man who got tired of repeated suggestions from the co-pilot.

"Look Roger, there is a 7-11... lets stop and ask an employee."

"I'm not lost! I'm trying familiarize myself with the area for the future!"

Roger was completely honest with that statement, because the future could be anything from now to anytime in the future or near future (like 5 min from now).

So why do men prefer to explore? Why do men prefer to try to accomplish tasks and read directions later? Why do men try to fix things without fully knowing what the problem is? Why do women put up with all of this?

If you can figure out the last question, you can figure out the others.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Response to Time Capsule

I actually still like this show. I bought season 1 on DVD. I'm not ashamed.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Response to time capsule

I can't believe this used to be my favorite show.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The $50 Christmas

The last few years of Christmas have always ended the same way regardless on how much we spent. Each year I spent more money to achieve a better Christmas than the year before.

What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presented dead against you?

Last year I tried the PNH approach to Christmas by reading A Christmas Carol to the kids. I discovered my inadequacy very quickly. It appears that you have to be a bit of linguist to orate without error. Alas, we must leave that task to the expert. Maybe a digital recording of said reading will find it's way to our home next year. Until then, George C. Scott will have to do.

A few weeks ago I declared to my family. "This year is the $50 Christmas!" Which means each person has a budget of $10 to spend how they see fit. They can spend it all on one person or spread it out.

This makes one very creative and thoughtful on what to do. One of my most memorable Christmases as a child was when I sewed a couple of kitty pillows for Jenny. I had fun doing it and it seemed Jen liked them.

I tried to have a better holiday each year only to feel less satisfied. So here is my experiment. The $50 Christmas.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Friday, December 5, 2008

Now isn't that special?!?!

I was searching for something for a future blog when I found the heart-attack-on-a-stick. I laughed out loud due to unbelief and admiration. It sounds as gross as it looks, but strangely appetizing.

Here it is for your enjoyment!! A french fried covered piece of bacon. LOL!!!!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008